Secrets to Be Had
by Shadrak3
Summary: Sayori decides to tell her friends about her depression. But why is it so hard to do so?


Her parents convinced her. She had to tell her friends. They deserved to know, after all. And, well... they'd probably figure it out once she started trying medication, anyways.

Sayori walked into the Literature Club with a bright smile, hiding her intense anxiety. She'd spent so long keeping this a secret, and now she was going to expose it on purpose. Her heart felt like it was going to burst out of her chest from how hard it was pounding.

"Heeey, everyone!" Sayori called out cheerily, completely betraying how she actually felt. She couldn't just walk in and tell them. No, definitely not that, just... she should just wait a bit. A better time would come up, right?

"Hello, Sayori." Yuri responded with a smile, looking up from a paper she seemed to have been writing on. "How are you?"

"Great!" Sayori responded. She immediately felt like slapping herself. That was an opportunity, right? She was just so used to responding that way regardless of how she felt that she lied. Guilt welled up inside, but she kept smiling. "How about you?"

"I'm doing well." Yuri pulled a book from her bag and hastily put it over the page she had been writing on. "Thank you for asking."

Sayori beamed at Yuri before turning to the other club member in the room, Natsuki, who seemed to be so engrossed in a new _Parfait Girls_ volume that she didn't even notice Sayori enter. "Natsuki!"

"Gah!" Natsuki threw the manga at Sayori, hitting her in the face. "S-Sayori! Don't sneak up on me like that, you dummy!" Natsuki caught her breath, which had been labouring a bit. Sayori rubbed her face and fought to keep a grimace off it. The book binding had hit her nose pretty hard. "Ehehe... sorry, Natsuki. I didn't realize you were so into your manga!" Natsuki bent down and picked up her book. "Yeah, well, it's not every day that a new volume to your favourite series comes out, you know. I bet you get pretty into whatever series you like when new content is released."

"Yeah, I do!" Sayori nodded. Inside she was beating herself up. _Stupid, stupid! There you go lying again! You promised Mom that you would be honest with your friends! You don't _have_ any real interests! You just lay around all day and do nothing! Worthless worthless-_

Natsuki crossed her arms. "So then, you should understand why I'd like it if you left me alone." She stared expectantly at Sayori. Sayori stammered a bit at the intense look. "Y-yeah, you have a fun time!" She spun on her heels and quickly walked away to a desk in the farthest corner of the room. _Now look, she's mad at you! You ruined her fun time reading a new manga. She said it doesn't happen often and now you messed up her special time by making her upset. _Sayori sat at the desk and stared out at the classroom. Yuri had gone back to writing, while Natsuki had sat down and continued reading.

She sighed, and let her smile drop a bit to a more neutral expression. _Why is this so hard?_ _I'm so fake. It's easier for me to put on a mask and lie than show how I really feel. _Her neutral expression then dropped to a downcast one. She looked down at her desk for a couple minutes until she felt a hand on her back, now turning her downcast expression into a surprised one. She looked up and saw Monika smiling at her. "Hey, Sayori!" She said cheerfully, not unlike how Sayori herself acted when she approached the others. Sayori put on a smile. "Hi, Monika! What's up?" _I wonder if she saw me staring at the desk..._

"I just got here, I should be asking you that!" Monika giggled and lifted her hand from Sayori's back. Sayori sat up straight. "How are you feeling, Sayori?" Monika asked, a touch of concern in her voice.

_She saw me... _Anxiety rose up further. _Tell the truth, Sayori! Tell her how you're feeling! Drop the act! _"I'm fine, Monika! Why wouldn't I be?"_ Stupid! Stupid! You're a failure!_

Monika continued to smile at Sayori, but the look in her eyes changed to one Sayori saw in the mirror every morning. "Okay. Well, if you ever do feel down at all, I'm always here to listen, alright?"

"...Alright," Sayori responded a bit quietly. Monika turned and walked to the front of the classroom where she tended to spend most of her time. Sayori watched Monika go, false smile slipping again. _Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard for me to just tell them the truth? _She clenched her fists tightly in frustration, and looked down at her desk again. _Maybe... it's better if I don't tell them. They'll start worrying about me if I tell them. I..._ She shook her head. _Mom will be so disappointed in me if I don't tell them, though! I promised her I would. _Sayori swayed back and forth in her seat, in line with her swaying thoughts.

* * *

It was time to go home, and Sayori still hadn't said a thing. Internally, she was panicking, as Natsuki and Yuri were packing up. "Wait!" Sayori called out before either of them could leave the room. "What is it?" Natsuki grumbled, evidently displeased with being kept from leaving. "My Dad will be pissed if I'm late getting home."

"A-ah, sorry! I-I..." Sayori stammered, lifting her hands in the air placatingly. _What do I say what do I say you have to say something quick, you promised Mom! _"I...wanted to tell you all something."

"Well what is it?" Natsuki put her hands on her hips and stared. Monika walked up from the front of the room and put a hand on Sayori's shoulder. "It's alright, Sayori. Natsuki can wait a couple minutes." She gave Natsuki a look as she said that, before turning back to Sayori. "Take a deep breath."

Sayori felt calmed by the soft encouragement from her friend. She breathed in, and out. In and out.

In and out.

"...the thing is..." Sayori clenched her eyes tight and spewed out her words as fast as possible. "I'vehadreallybaddepressionmywholelife."

The room was silent for a moment, and Sayori grit her teeth. _They're not answering, they must hate me right now I can't believe I told them now I'll have to leave the club and-_

"Wait, seriously?" Natsuki responded after a moment. Sayori opened her eyes to see Yuri with a shocked and concerned look, Monika with a sad smile, and Natsuki with her brows furrowed. "Are you pulling our legs? You're usually crazy happy. How can _you_ have depression?"

Sayori squeaked. "I-I'm not..." Monika stepped towards Sayori and opened her arms, offering a hug. Sayori hesitantly reciprocated, wrapping her arms around her friend. It was comforting, if only a little. "I knew something wasn't right. Sometimes it seems like you're fighting hard to keep a smile on your face, like you really don't want to look sad." Monika explained as she hugged Sayori tightly. "I wasn't sure if you were just trying to stay positive or what, but I didn't want to push you about it. I didn't know it was something this bad though. I wish I had said something about it..."

Sayori felt a warmth in her chest at the words, but also a prickling at her heart. "It's a good thing you didn't. Knowing just means you're going to pity me now." She felt herself opening up, the facade finally broken. No hint of a smile was left on her face. Monika pulled away, but kept her hands on Sayori's shoulders. "Sayori. It's not pity. We're your friends and we care about you. We're all here for you." She squeezed Sayori's shoulders a bit to emphasize and turned to look at the other two club members.

Natsuki and Yuri each had their own unique brand of troubled looks on their faces. "O-of course, I-I'll do anything to help you, Sayori!" Yuri stammers. "Even if I don't think I can do much..."

Natsuki still had a frown. Concern and confusion were filling her eyes. "Seriously? I mean, of course I'm here for you, Sayori, but depression? You?"

Sayori squeaked again. "I-it's okay if you don't believe me, Natsuki, it's better if you don't care about me, anyways."

"Wha-" Natsuki seemed even more confused now. Monika frowned at her. "Stop making Sayori feel worse, Natsuki," she scolded.

"No, no! It's fine! She should just focus on being happy. Okay, Natsuki? Don't worry about me, I'm fine!" Sayori put on the best smile she could. _I told them like I told Mom I would, this is fine, I can handle this, Natsuki doesn't believe me anyways, so she won't have to care about me. If I can just get Monika and Yuri to see that I'm alright and it's not that bad-_

"Sayori, don't disvalue yourself like that. Your happiness is important, and Natsuki shouldn't be doing this-"

"Jeez, Monika! Don't put me down for having trouble believing a bombshell like this one! Sayori has seemed like the happiest person ever pretty much as long as I've known her!" Natsuki frowned at Monika.

"I-I agree," Yuri butted in, surprising everyone. "It is a rather farfetch'd concept..." She looked away nervously. "B-but I-I'm not saying that she's lying! I wouldn't dare think Sayori would lie about something like this!" Yuri looked down and went silent, fiddling with her hair.

"They're right, it's not that bad, so don't worry-"

"Sayori, I do worry." Monika interrupted. "It's a big deal. I feel bad that I wasn't doing anything to help you feel better."

Sayori shook her head frantically, panic strewn across her face. "No no no, don't worry! I'm fine! You don't need to waste your effort on me."

Monika frowned at Sayori, now. "But Sayori-"

"No! My happiness isn't important. It's nice when you try to care about me..." Sayori looked to the side. "But it also feels like a bat being swung against my head..."

Monika was finally at a loss for words.

_Now you've done it, Sayori. You took her kindness and spit in her face. You're gonna get kicked out of the club now._ Sayori swallowed and looked down and away, averting her gaze from her friends' as much as possible. Natsuki took a deep breath and walked up to Sayori, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Look, Sayori. I may not really understand what you're going through, or fully get how you could have depression yet act all happy, but..." Natsuki manages to put on a small smile for Sayori to see. "I'll do or not do what you need, okay? There are a lot of people that I'd like to take a bat to their head, but you're not one of them." Sayori glanced back at Natsuki and saw her smile. Sayori felt a small smile of her own in return. Not big and forced, but small and genuine. Even if it hurt a bit to have Natsuki worry. "Thanks, Natsuki. Just... don't worry too much about me, alright? I've dealt with this my whole life, and my parents are getting me to go see a psychiatrist to hopefully get medication, so I'm fine." Sayori glanced at Monika and Yuri before looking at Natsuki again. "I just needed to let you guys know, you're my best friends. My only real friends. So just try to be happy, alright? I'm happy when you're happy."

Yuri still seemed a bit concerned, but also much more relaxed now. "I believe I can do that, Sayori." Yuri smiled as well, now. "It's hard not be be in a good mood when you're around. You really brighten the atmosphere wherever you go."

Natsuki nodded in agreement. "Sometimes I get kinda crabby, but you're really good at bringing the smiles, Sayori. Heck, it'd be harder to try and be upset often with you around than to try and be happy with you around!"

Monika still seemed unconvinced, but nodded anyways. "I'm glad you told us, Sayori. Honesty is really important among close friends, and I hope that this club can be an open and inviting space for everyone." She stole side glances at Natsuki and Yuri before continuing. "Let's continue to be honest and open with each other. And if you ever need anything, Sayori," she smiled as genuinely as she could at her, "Let me know, okay?" Sayori felt a twinge of guilt, but kept smiling. "Okay, Monika! I will!" _Liar. _Sayori felt her smile falter a bit. _I guess_ _being open and honest still isn't going to be easy..._

Monika nodded. "Okay, everyone! Let's head out, and see you all Monday!" Natsuki quickly rushed out of the classroom, while Yuri walked out at a leisurely pace. Sayori herself rushed to get out, before Monika had a chance to talk to her further.

Leaving the room, Sayori sighed heavily and walked down the hall towards the nearest school exit, thoroughly exhausted from the ordeal. Even after getting all that off her chest like she promised, her stress and anxiety didn't drop any lower. _No matter what they say, they're going to worry, now. And I have to see that psychiatrist tomorrow... _She thought bitterly. _I just want to sleep forever... _She trudged home, trying to relax her mind about the future.


End file.
